i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize