I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.