Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?