I just threw up on my dentist
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
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No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
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Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there