I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners