I wish life had little blips of pornography
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
