I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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