I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
