Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
