pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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