So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Randomize
