Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
