im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
