I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
