im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Found the puke drawer
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
