I smell stomach acid.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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