he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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