First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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