I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize