I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
