I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
