totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
