She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
