...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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