i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
