I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
