Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
