i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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