Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm at about main and main street
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
