i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think my fart just growled at me.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
