I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
