hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize