oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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