If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I party with great urgency now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
