i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
