meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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