I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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