my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
