Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
