I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
