oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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