TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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