The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
