I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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