I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
