a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
