Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
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Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.