I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
