Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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