the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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