at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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