Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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