i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
