my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
