I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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