home. puking in laundry basket.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
