she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
